Disclaimer
Anyone who is easily triggered by discussions of depression, despair, suicidal thoughts, or other mental health crises should not read this article.
Why I Am Writing This Article
Sometimes certain topics bring back memories of times you thought you had left behind long ago. Recently, I found myself thinking again about the year 2010 – the most difficult crisis of my life.
That was the year I lost custody of my children. From my perspective, that decision was never justified. I was not a mother who neglected her children. I did not use drugs, I drank alcohol only rarely and in small amounts, I was responsible, able to set boundaries, motivate my children, and provide for my family.
That is exactly why the situation hit me so hard. I could not understand what had happened. Even less could I accept that all my fighting changed nothing.
Perhaps someone reading this article has experienced a situation that spiraled completely out of control. Perhaps someone is looking for hope. That is why I want to share what that period was like for me and why I can say today: there is life after a crisis.
The Detailed Video About the Reasons for the Crisis
Why I Had to Give Up My Children
The Background
Both Lukas’s father and later Sascha’s father left me during pregnancy. Nevertheless, I always knew that I would take responsibility for my children. I loved them from the very beginning and wanted to provide them with a good home.
For most of my years as a mother, I worked either full-time or part-time, often in shifts. As a single mother, I had far fewer job opportunities than many other people. At the same time, I was building a family home and paying off a large loan. In many ways, I was trapped in the hamster wheel that society often presents as success.
Even then, I often noticed that I was pushing myself beyond my limits. Burnout was becoming more and more likely. As a determined and solution-oriented person, I tried to keep everything running. I functioned. And I was still a good mother.
In the end, something entirely different became my downfall.
Because of my shift work, I needed a childminder. She had been arranged through the youth welfare office. When I later decided to rent out our house in Lower Bavaria and move to the Munich metropolitan area near Wolfratshausen, our childminder was understandably disappointed.
Whenever my children faced difficulties, I always sought professional help. When Lukas had speech delays, he worked with a speech therapist. When Sascha still wet the bed at night, I sought help from a child therapist. Everything was documented.
When I later needed support from the youth welfare office in Wolfratshausen because there was no childminder available for my shift schedule, that openness became my downfall.
The youth welfare office suggested a foster family. To justify this arrangement, evidence of an increased educational or developmental need was required. Therefore, I signed releases allowing access to our medical records.
Together with negative statements from the former childminder, a case was built that initially justified the foster placement. Step by step, however, the process led to more and more of my rights as a mother being taken away.
At first, I was allowed to see my children only once a week.
Later, only every two weeks.
I fought in court to get them back. At the same time, I had to file for personal bankruptcy after a tenant destroyed my house and stopped paying rent. I reduced my work hours to part-time because I hoped it would improve my chances of regaining custody.
But the court ruled in favor of the youth welfare office.
I lost custody of my children.
Eventually, I sold my house at a significant loss after spending three months renovating it. By then, I had reached the lowest point of my life.
When Fighting No Longer Makes Sense
Until then, I had solved problems by taking action.
If something did not work, I looked for a solution. If a goal mattered, I fought for it. If obstacles appeared, I worked harder.
Suddenly, however, I was facing a situation that could not be changed through effort, discipline, or determination.
It felt like running into a wall.
For the first time in my life, being solution-oriented no longer helped.
Accepting that was almost harder than the loss itself.
How I Felt During the Crisis
For weeks, I lay on my sofa facing the wall.
The curtains were closed. The television played in the background, but I barely noticed what was on.
I refused to accept my situation.
My heart wanted to hold my children every day. I had done everything I could to prove that I was a good mother. The strange thing was that this was never really questioned. The argument was simply that my children had special educational needs that I supposedly could not meet as a single mother.
My despair became so overwhelming that for weeks I could see no purpose in life.
I did not want goals anymore.
I had no strength left.
I did not want to follow any path.
Lying there felt like waiting for the end.
How God Reached Me During That Time
Today, many years later, I believe that God cared for me during that time in a way that I did not fully understand back then.
While I lay on the sofa for weeks with almost no desire to keep living, the television often ran in the background. Again and again, I heard sermons by Bayless Conley. I cannot remember specific sermons today, but I do remember the feeling that there was always someone talking about hope and about not giving up.
At the time, it often felt as if God had sent a preacher into my living room. Again and again, I heard messages encouraging me to keep going, even when I could no longer see any reason to do so. I felt that God had not forgotten me, even though I could not see a way forward.
Whether other people would interpret that experience the same way, I do not know. For me personally, however, it became an important part of my journey back to life. Looking back today, I believe that God carried me when I no longer had the strength to carry myself.
The Friend Who Refused to Give Up on Me
Fortunately, there was Jana.
Jana had been a friend of Uli, who had once been my friend as well. During my years in Wolfratshausen, we had barely been in contact.
In the meantime, Uli had fallen into a severe depression. Her long-term partner had left her. She began taking medication without medical supervision. Whether it was the medication, the depression, or both that led to her death, I will never know.
Jana told me that Uli had spent weeks staring out of the window in complete apathy.
One day, she was found dead in her barn.
For a long time, Jana blamed herself for not preventing it.
When she saw me spending my days on the sofa behind closed curtains, she was reminded of Uli’s final weeks.
So she refused to leave me alone.
Almost every day, she made me get up.
She took me shopping.
She encouraged me to do household chores.
She got me out to help with firewood.
She pushed me to apply for jobs.
At the time, I often found it incredibly annoying.
Today, I believe that God worked not only through those sermons but also through Jana.
She was like an uncomfortable pain that keeps you awake when all you want is to give up.
And that is exactly why she was so important.
Time Began to Heal
Eventually, something started to change.
Not overnight.
Not through one magical moment.
But slowly.
Time began to reduce the pain.
After a few months, I started a one-euro job program.
I had a task again.
Then new goals appeared.
And eventually, I found a future again.
My Conclusion Eleven Years Later
When I look back on that time today, it almost feels unreal.
Back then, I could not imagine ever being happy again.
For years, I resisted the idea of enjoying life without my children living with me. Whenever people told me I should start a new life, it felt like an insult.
But little by little, I found purpose again.
I even got married once more.
When my husband left me in 2018 because he no longer believed in the marriage, another completely new chapter began.
Looking back, that new beginning led me to a life that makes me happier than I ever expected.
Through my years of living in a car, I lost around 20 kilograms. I learned two new languages. I discovered new places, new people, and a freedom I had never known before.
Today, I am more balanced and content than I was during many earlier periods of my life.
That is why I want to tell anyone who is currently facing what seems like a hopeless situation:
Even if you cannot believe it today, your life may look completely different in a few years.
Sometimes the solution is not to keep fighting.
Sometimes the solution is simply to survive one day at a time until you can see the light again.
Do not give up.
Watch My Videos Six Weeks Earlier
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